Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
