i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
