how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
