broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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