Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
