So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
True strength comes from lack of pants
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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