I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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