the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
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I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
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He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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