Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
