Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
