That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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