i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
