Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So much rum. So many feels.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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