I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
