I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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