??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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