he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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