I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
How external is "for external use only"?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
