I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
