So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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