Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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