She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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