when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
