i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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