turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
