Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
