Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Vodka?
Forever.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
