He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
