Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
