Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
