so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
