I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
