Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
