Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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