We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
