haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
