I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
