I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
