Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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