I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
