I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
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I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
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Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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