I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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