I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
