So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
