how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
