I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
