Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
