Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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