just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
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I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
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Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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