Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
