got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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