I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
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the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
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I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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