That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
