dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
