i may or may not be watching the land before time
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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