My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
